Who I am vs. Who I Want to be

 I've been called the following in the past few weeks:

"self centered"

"an ass"

"narcissist"

"manic"

"lazy"

"not the same."

Though these words hurt, in fact, they sting like wasps in my brain over and over, I know they are true. At least, somewhat. But I don't want to be THAT person. Or even THIS person. I WANT to be balanced. Someone who helps. Who is happy. Who is present.

I want to be someone who maintains healthy relationships with clearly established boundaries and good communication. Communication free of name calling, festered feelings, and judgment. 

I want to be the person who fondly remembers all of her favorite songs without ruminating in the past. I don't want to make camp in the sadness and live there anymore. I want to know when to put the campfire out, pack up, leave my surroundings better than I found them, and go home. 

I want be in the present moment. I want to actively listen. And I want to SHOW that I am by engaging in conversations with my full attention. I want to ask the right questions to keep a conversation flowing. Or know when a conversation has reached it's end. And I don't know how to do that--yet. 

But, hopefully, I will get there one day. It won't happen alone. I am so grateful for the support I have been given in the past, present, and future. It means more to me than words could ever express. And I know, I spiral, and it is exhausting, and I am so sorry for draining my loved ones. 

Don't forget. Please, don't forget to "gas up all of your homies" like the band CLIFFDIVER says. They have their own shit too. And they are trying THEIR BEST. We all are trying our hardest to survive, grow, and be content in a world that is frankly, royally fucked. And, I wouldn't have it any other way. Because, there will be better days. I know that for sure. 

I'll leave you with this song: https://youtu.be/gNF_ZUAxtmA

Love you,

Stacy